I thought we would have a chance to have a great long-term relationship. In the early years our relationship was fun and fresh, but everything turned out and became dark. So the darkness years arrived to us. So I chained myself to this anchor that pulled me to the depths of my own feelings , I drowned in sorrow, resentments and tears . I asked for help, but I’d got no answer , then I dug a hole six feet under, I wished he fell asleep forever in peace and I wanted his death more than anything. We had everything to work out , everything to win this journey , but now I’m stuck  here thinking about how to get out of this shit. I loved him. How could I let him end this way? How did I let my feelings sabotage myself? Several times I gave up and got up, several times I went forward and then regressed , million times I decided go further and in the end I decided said no. Always opting for the comfort zone , killing my own dreams, my own way , deconstructing my future.

Didn’t I loved him enough? Because if I did, why would he have problems with the world around you?
What seemed simple for everyone , it was not simple for him . I feel responsible for burying him increasingly, gradually erasing his existence. I feel guilty for never have loved him enough. I hope he can forgive me for not letting him follow with your life in a fresh way , I hope he forgives me for lock him in his feelings , I hope he can forgive me for being so tough on him, to have him imprisoned in this life in front of my mirror.

I hope to have courage to face the reflection of that man in the mirror. I hope it is not too late for him to give his best. Maybe He can rise from the ashes to have a final chance to win.  I hope the man in the mirror knows that I always wanted to see him prosper , love and win. I just want he stays strong!



Phelipe Di Amaral



4 thoughts on “I LOVED HIM

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